Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Let's Talk About Heartbreak

I've spent the majority of 2015 laying in my bed, tears in my eyes, and my heart so hurt I can barely breathe.

I don't know if you've ever experienced heartbreak before. The kind that fills your entire soul and pours over into your life. You shake the covers off in the morning only to put them back on when a wave of sorrow hits your heart. It's excruciating and cruel and I don't wish this kind of feeling upon my worst enemy.

I've felt everything from anger to sadness to happiness to misery. It's like my period got a year-long extension on its assignment.

But I don't want to make this post about all the bad things that have happened to me this year. What I want to focus on is something I've learned.

My lesson didn't come until a couple weeks ago. I ended up running into a friend whom I love dearly. She embodies everything I want to be when I grow up. She's beautiful, funny, loving, and caring. She has a strong testimony of the gospel and her family is the most important thing to her.

As we were giggling like the 14 year old girls we used to be, I asked how starting her own family was going. She only had to look at me in tears and I knew life wasn't turning out the way she expected it to.

I couldn't help but cry with her. You see, while I've never experienced infertility...I have experienced loss. I have experienced life not turning out the way you plan. My heartbreak not only allowed me to understand what she was going through, but I actually felt what she was going through. I knew exactly how her heart hurt because mine hurt in the exact same way.

This connection only made me love my dear friend more.

All of us hurt and cry. All of us pull the covers over our heads to sleep off the pain. We all need someone to understand us and if I can help but one person feel like 'yes, it hurts but we're in this together'. Well then, I guess my heartbreak was actually the best thing that's ever happened to me.  

Monday, September 14, 2015

i got dumped & here's how i handled it

I woke up Friday morning to a text asking me what my idea of a perfect relationship was. I thought about his question while I got ready and commuted to work. I wanted to give a sincere, genuine answer. 

Then after some brief conversation, he said it: "I kinda think we won't date." (Thanks for that after eight months, pal) 

I tried to conceal my tears all during work that day. I told my coworkers I had a cold when I sniffed a lot and I listened to every sad song in the book. 

Then I spent $150 at Target and pounded McDonald's fries, oreos, and two large Dr. Peppers while I watched The Nanny. 

(If you're reading this wondering how you should deal with a break up, don't follow my example.)

I think what I really learned from the this complicated heartbreak was that I'm actually, totally, beautifully, miraculously okay

I've started training for a half marathon, I flew to Portland, I'm planning a trip for next year too. I take more time to focus on my job, I read books, and I plan lunch dates with friends. 

My dad is a psychologist and I was talking to him about it and he said something really important: "Break ups are a very natural and normal part of life. In fact, they're helpful and make you a better person." 

So I guess...thanks for breaking up with me, man. I'm a better person for it. 

If anyone wants to have lunch with me, let's plan it. 

Monday, June 15, 2015



That word has come out of my mouth more times than I can count in the last month. 
New job, new roommates, new apartment, new city, new car...you name it, I've "newed" it. 

However, what's been the most new....is me. 

Since about last August, I've struggled with a lot of personal problems. A lot of it is my own fault, but while for the last 8 or so months, I've pitied and babied myself and ate way too much Chick-Fil-A, I've realized something incredible: God has been blessing me. 

Not in the way that screamed "Hey Elisabeth, look at what I'm doing. I'm blessing you. See?"

More in a "Elisabeth, you're incredible. Let me see what I can do for you."
As I've lived in Salt Lake, I have felt God guiding me. Literally guiding me...telling me where to live, what job to apply for, and the place I should be. 

I have never felt so right about anything in my entire life. 

In church on Sunday, a lady from the stake gave a talk in our ward and she said this: "If you find yourself becoming distracted during the sacrament, I want you to count your blessings. Because I promise you, you have more blessings in your life than you do trials."

I definitely teared up because she's absolutely right. I've been so immensely blessed, my heart often feels like it will spill over. My parents are right up there on that list. Heavenly Father knew I needed my parents. He knew I would need the kind of people they are in my life. I absolutely would not have graduated from college without them and I wouldn't have the drive and ambition that I do without their constant example in my life. I love them more than they will ever know. 

I have the most sensational friends. When I moved to SLC, I was worried I would be so lonely (I'm naturally a very outgoing person, I need people). However, I couldn't have been more wrong. I have been busy every night and every weekend since I moved. I have reconnected with old friends and continued friendships I thought I would lose. What a huge blessing that is for me. 

My life may not be perfect and the boy that I've loved over the last little while might not like me back, but you know what? I feel immense peace. A peace that I've never, ever felt before. 

It's like God is giving me a hug and telling me, "Elisabeth, you're incredible."

Friday, April 3, 2015

The Gospel & Romantic Love According to Elisabeth

I think I started noticing cute boys when I was in 7th grade. My family and I had just moved to Sugar City and I was obsessed with the boy down the street.

Then when I was in 8th grade, a tall lanky boy asked me to dance and I thought I had found the one. (Like...no joke guys. That's what I thought...I was clearly delusional).

By the time my senior year of high school rolled around, I had yet to have any romantic relationship with any boy. Although I had multiple crushes and talked about them endlessly to my friends. I was devastated. My friends were telling me stories about how this boy gave them flowers for their birthday or how that boy held their hand during a movie. 

None of that happened to me. 
I listened to their stories happily because they were my friends and I was elated for them.
But compared to them, I always felt less. 

No one told me this. My friends never bullied me about it. None my friends even cared frankly, but I cared. 

I believe that's when it started. 
When I started telling myself I wasn't desirable and boys didn't want me. When I started to connect my self esteem to how many boys liked me. 

I would think "I'm too tall. Who would want me?"
"I'm not skinny and blonde like so-and-so, that's why boys don't want to date me."

These thoughts seemed to creep in without any warning. 
They just happened. 

I moved up to Utah State and I thought "This is it. I'm getting married this year!" I couldn't wait. I pursued boy after boy and was devastated when my freshman year ended and I hadn't even kissed a boy. 

The thoughts started again: "Well...I guess I'm not pretty enough. If I had a better body, I bet so and so would like me."

My sophomore and junior year of school went by with no kisses, no relationships, and no boys. The summer before my senior year rolled around and I was determined to get my first kiss. "How could I be 21 years old and never been kissed?" I scolded myself. 

I had used Tinder for awhile but never really made a connection with anyone. Out of the blue I matched with a boy and I went on a date. He was a 6 foot 4 inch boy, who made me laugh, was confident, grabbed my hand on the second date and teased me to no end. That date was fantastic. We ran around a park, talked about how being tall is awkward, and danced in the street. It was magical and I thought he was great. 

As the date ended, he walked me back to my car, wrapped his arms around me, and kissed me. 
It was shocking and exciting all at the same time. 

I drove home and screamed to my roommates "I GOT MY FIRST KISS!" I couldn't stop thinking about it. 

Then everything went down hill...he wanted to kiss me more than I wanted to kiss him. He wanted me to make out with him even though I told him multiple times that we shouldn't be kissing so much. 

Eventually, he just stopped talking to me. He was a total douche bag and called me some really hurtful names. (Glad I dodged that bullet).

I was so confused. Didn't kissing mean something? Didn't he want to date me?

The thoughts began again, but worse. "I should have just made out with him, maybe he would have wanted to date me." "What's wrong with me?"

These thoughts led me to seek some kind of happiness. I kissed boy after boy trying to make myself feel better. It was like an ibuprofen tablet that only lasted an hour instead of 24. 

It broke me. 

I sobbed telling my dad all that had happened as I tried salvaging what was left of my self esteem. I did things I'm not proud of all because I felt like I wasn't enough, that there was something wrong with me. 

I believe this feeling is not uncommon among women. I would even venture to say that some of my peers struggle with this same concept. We seek gratification through how many boys we've made out with and how far we've gone. We seek for the world to view us as desirable. 

We grasp relationships tight and don't let them go because we think we're not good enough for anyone else. 

I, of all people, understand perfectly this kind of deep, emotional struggle. Once broken, I knew that it was important what I did from there on out. I knew I needed a better relationship with my Savior. I'm still creating that relationship with Jesus Christ. 

I found talks and scriptures. One of my favorite talks is by Bruce C. Hafen entitled "The Gospel and Romantic Love." In it, he says:

"...the scriptures and the prophets counsel us to be virtuous not because romantic love is bad, but precisely because romantic love is so good. It is not only good, it is pure, precious, even sacred and holy. For that very reason, one of Satan’s cheapest and dirtiest tricks is to make profane that which is sacred."

I hadn't understood this before. I hadn't understood all the sacred elements that make up a relationship, that really bind two people together. Brother Hafen goes on to say:

"The idea of romantic love, so commonplace that it is touched upon in virtually every popular book or movie or magazine, is also at the very center of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is one of the greatest of God’s laws that “a man [shall] leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Gen. 2:24.) 

This kind of love that we're all supposed to be feeling is sacred. It is not something to meddle with or stick our feet into. It's a promise. An eternal promise to God that we are doing our best to honor him and the covenants we made. 

So here's the outcome: I'm still learning. I'm still trying and I'm still working. I'm working harder than ever to understand how much God loves me. Because that's what matters. 

I'm not perfect. Little by little I'm working. In my journal a while ago I wrote: "All I know is I'm hanging onto the little faith I have. I'm surviving by the words of church leaders and the incredibly small moments. I'm living day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. But I'm trying."

My advice? WAIT. Oh dear girls, WAIT. Physical intimacy can draw you into the deepest depth of depression. It is not sustainable and it is not lasting. WAIT for when you understand Christ's perfect love for you. That will sustain you. That is lasting. 

When I sobbed to my dad about my struggles, he held my hand, stroked the top of my head, told me I was lovely, and hugged me until his hugs ran out and then he hugged me again. 

I believe with all my heart that God is doing that for me. 

Monday, February 16, 2015

i love tights so much

I got these maroon beauties for $1.99 at Old Navy last Thursday sooo basically I love life right now. 
Plus I got this striped dress and it's basically my favorite ever. 
I'll be wearing it repeatedly for the next couple days so you're welcome. 


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