Monday, June 15, 2015

N-E-W

New.



That word has come out of my mouth more times than I can count in the last month. 
New job, new roommates, new apartment, new city, new car...you name it, I've "newed" it. 

However, what's been the most new....is me. 

Since about last August, I've struggled with a lot of personal problems. A lot of it is my own fault, but while for the last 8 or so months, I've pitied and babied myself and ate way too much Chick-Fil-A, I've realized something incredible: God has been blessing me. 

Not in the way that screamed "Hey Elisabeth, look at what I'm doing. I'm blessing you. See?"

More in a "Elisabeth, you're incredible. Let me see what I can do for you."
As I've lived in Salt Lake, I have felt God guiding me. Literally guiding me...telling me where to live, what job to apply for, and the place I should be. 

I have never felt so right about anything in my entire life. 

In church on Sunday, a lady from the stake gave a talk in our ward and she said this: "If you find yourself becoming distracted during the sacrament, I want you to count your blessings. Because I promise you, you have more blessings in your life than you do trials."

I definitely teared up because she's absolutely right. I've been so immensely blessed, my heart often feels like it will spill over. My parents are right up there on that list. Heavenly Father knew I needed my parents. He knew I would need the kind of people they are in my life. I absolutely would not have graduated from college without them and I wouldn't have the drive and ambition that I do without their constant example in my life. I love them more than they will ever know. 

I have the most sensational friends. When I moved to SLC, I was worried I would be so lonely (I'm naturally a very outgoing person, I need people). However, I couldn't have been more wrong. I have been busy every night and every weekend since I moved. I have reconnected with old friends and continued friendships I thought I would lose. What a huge blessing that is for me. 

My life may not be perfect and the boy that I've loved over the last little while might not like me back, but you know what? I feel immense peace. A peace that I've never, ever felt before. 

It's like God is giving me a hug and telling me, "Elisabeth, you're incredible."

Friday, April 3, 2015

The Gospel & Romantic Love According to Elisabeth

I think I started noticing cute boys when I was in 7th grade. My family and I had just moved to Sugar City and I was obsessed with the boy down the street.

Then when I was in 8th grade, a tall lanky boy asked me to dance and I thought I had found the one. (Like...no joke guys. That's what I thought...I was clearly delusional).

By the time my senior year of high school rolled around, I had yet to have any romantic relationship with any boy. Although I had multiple crushes and talked about them endlessly to my friends. I was devastated. My friends were telling me stories about how this boy gave them flowers for their birthday or how that boy held their hand during a movie. 

None of that happened to me. 
I listened to their stories happily because they were my friends and I was elated for them.
But compared to them, I always felt less. 

No one told me this. My friends never bullied me about it. None my friends even cared frankly, but I cared. 

I believe that's when it started. 
When I started telling myself I wasn't desirable and boys didn't want me. When I started to connect my self esteem to how many boys liked me. 

I would think "I'm too tall. Who would want me?"
"I'm not skinny and blonde like so-and-so, that's why boys don't want to date me."

These thoughts seemed to creep in without any warning. 
They just happened. 

I moved up to Utah State and I thought "This is it. I'm getting married this year!" I couldn't wait. I pursued boy after boy and was devastated when my freshman year ended and I hadn't even kissed a boy. 

The thoughts started again: "Well...I guess I'm not pretty enough. If I had a better body, I bet so and so would like me."

My sophomore and junior year of school went by with no kisses, no relationships, and no boys. The summer before my senior year rolled around and I was determined to get my first kiss. "How could I be 21 years old and never been kissed?" I scolded myself. 

I had used Tinder for awhile but never really made a connection with anyone. Out of the blue I matched with a boy and I went on a date. He was a 6 foot 4 inch boy, who made me laugh, was confident, grabbed my hand on the second date and teased me to no end. That date was fantastic. We ran around a park, talked about how being tall is awkward, and danced in the street. It was magical and I thought he was great. 

As the date ended, he walked me back to my car, wrapped his arms around me, and kissed me. 
It was shocking and exciting all at the same time. 

I drove home and screamed to my roommates "I GOT MY FIRST KISS!" I couldn't stop thinking about it. 

Then everything went down hill...he wanted to kiss me more than I wanted to kiss him. He wanted me to make out with him even though I told him multiple times that we shouldn't be kissing so much. 

Eventually, he just stopped talking to me. He was a total douche bag and called me some really hurtful names. (Glad I dodged that bullet).

I was so confused. Didn't kissing mean something? Didn't he want to date me?

The thoughts began again, but worse. "I should have just made out with him, maybe he would have wanted to date me." "What's wrong with me?"

These thoughts led me to seek some kind of happiness. I kissed boy after boy trying to make myself feel better. It was like an ibuprofen tablet that only lasted an hour instead of 24. 

It broke me. 

I sobbed telling my dad all that had happened as I tried salvaging what was left of my self esteem. I did things I'm not proud of all because I felt like I wasn't enough, that there was something wrong with me. 

I believe this feeling is not uncommon among women. I would even venture to say that some of my peers struggle with this same concept. We seek gratification through how many boys we've made out with and how far we've gone. We seek for the world to view us as desirable. 

We grasp relationships tight and don't let them go because we think we're not good enough for anyone else. 

I, of all people, understand perfectly this kind of deep, emotional struggle. Once broken, I knew that it was important what I did from there on out. I knew I needed a better relationship with my Savior. I'm still creating that relationship with Jesus Christ. 

I found talks and scriptures. One of my favorite talks is by Bruce C. Hafen entitled "The Gospel and Romantic Love." In it, he says:

"...the scriptures and the prophets counsel us to be virtuous not because romantic love is bad, but precisely because romantic love is so good. It is not only good, it is pure, precious, even sacred and holy. For that very reason, one of Satan’s cheapest and dirtiest tricks is to make profane that which is sacred."

I hadn't understood this before. I hadn't understood all the sacred elements that make up a relationship, that really bind two people together. Brother Hafen goes on to say:

"The idea of romantic love, so commonplace that it is touched upon in virtually every popular book or movie or magazine, is also at the very center of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is one of the greatest of God’s laws that “a man [shall] leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Gen. 2:24.) 

This kind of love that we're all supposed to be feeling is sacred. It is not something to meddle with or stick our feet into. It's a promise. An eternal promise to God that we are doing our best to honor him and the covenants we made. 

So here's the outcome: I'm still learning. I'm still trying and I'm still working. I'm working harder than ever to understand how much God loves me. Because that's what matters. 

I'm not perfect. Little by little I'm working. In my journal a while ago I wrote: "All I know is I'm hanging onto the little faith I have. I'm surviving by the words of church leaders and the incredibly small moments. I'm living day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. But I'm trying."

My advice? WAIT. Oh dear girls, WAIT. Physical intimacy can draw you into the deepest depth of depression. It is not sustainable and it is not lasting. WAIT for when you understand Christ's perfect love for you. That will sustain you. That is lasting. 

When I sobbed to my dad about my struggles, he held my hand, stroked the top of my head, told me I was lovely, and hugged me until his hugs ran out and then he hugged me again. 

I believe with all my heart that God is doing that for me. 

Monday, February 16, 2015

i love tights so much




I got these maroon beauties for $1.99 at Old Navy last Thursday sooo basically I love life right now. 
Plus I got this striped dress and it's basically my favorite ever. 
I'll be wearing it repeatedly for the next couple days so you're welcome. 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

The One with the Pink Scarf


 (Shirt: D.I., Skirt: JcPenney, Tights: WalMart, Cardigan: Vanity, Scarf: gift)

I mostly made this outfit so I could wear this pink scarf.
I've been searching for something to wear it with for FOREVER. 
I got the shirt I'm wearing from DI like two years ago and it's been a lifesaver on many occasions.
Also, I just ordered an eShakti dress so be on the look-out for it. 
It's amazing and I can't wait to get my hands on it. 

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Dear Boys #2398383

Dear Mars,
Woof.
You're a bad boy.
Why is that so intoxicating?
Sigh,
Elisabeth

Dear Patriot,
ICEDTYHMILY
LJD, kay?
I can't even describe to you how much I like you.
Let's just date, kay?
Love,
Elisabeth

Dear sharpie,
you don't need capital letters to make a statement.
love,
elisabeth

Dear Valley,
You're still on my radar.
FYI,
Elisabeth

Dear business boys,
WHY ARE ALL OF YOU MARRIED?
and also,
why are you all hipsters?
Ugh,
Elisabeth

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